So I’m not even sure where to begin. I mean if you’ve been watching Riverdale you’re probably just as confused as I am. But let’s dig in any way to our new segment, WTF is Going Down in ‘Riverdale’ Season 3 Edition.
A hippie-like cult has invaded Riverdale, although it took them a long time to infiltrate the town seeing as Polly has been there since season 1. They share EVERYTHING with each other. So they know Betty and Alice killed a man and disposed of his body. They also know Betty dabbled as a cam girl. But it’s totally cool with the people at the farm. There’s also the instance of the babies levitating over the fire at their meeting…
Betty suffered from a seizure in the first episode. And then we find out that Ethel has been suffering from them too. Betty immediately suspects the Farm.
Archie was thrown into Juevinile detention thanks to Mr. Lodge. Archie wastes no time in trying to get the inmates to all get along together with a rousing game of football. Because sports makes everything better, guys. This causes the guards to declare a riot and beat the crap out of everyone. Archie is then recruited to be the warden’s bitch and be the star pony in fight club. He wastes no time in trying to rally his other fighters to remind them there is always a way out. This is after he has a meltdown in his jail cell when he receives a gift of rum with the label of Lodge. Nothing like a good old case of revenge.
On top of Archie’s drama, his girlfriend Veronica somehow found out about the game and recruited the rest of the Vixens to cheer on the game and serenade them with a cover of Elvis’ “Jailhouse Rock.” I just…I just really want to know how everyone is so coordinated to pull crap like this off. Musical numbers just come so easily to everyone!
Veronica owns Pops now and built a speakeasy underneath the trailer restaurant. Why? To prove a point to her Dad, I think? Of course, this speakeasy is super clean. They will only serve mocktails because Veronica won’t be shady like her father. I feel like a speakeasy isn’t the best way to get back at your father for sending your boyfriend to jail but hey what do I know? Of course, the speakeasy, which has a really obnoxious French name, gets targeted by Penny and the Ghouls to sell some jingle jangle. Veronica recruits Cheryl and Tony on a Charlie’s Angel’s mission to take photos of the drug lab. But she doesn’t ask for their help when it comes to the new Sheriff demanding money. Because shaking down a teenager is what truly makes a Sheriff.
FP and Alice
It was discovered last season that FP and Alice actually had a son together while they were in high school. Despite knowing they share a sibling, Jughead and Betty are still together. Now their parents are making it worse by sleeping together again. Jughead and Betty don’t know this yet but I’m assuming they will stick together after learning this. Because it’s Riverdale.
Griffins & Gargoyles
It looks like the writers wanted to do their own version of a Dungeons & Dragons storyline. The game has claimed the lives of two peers. And it almost claims Ethel as well. Poor girl, she’s always getting the short end of the stick in Riverdale and no one can bother trying to actually be her friend. Betty and Jughead take it upon themselves to play detective again. Mainly because Dilton came to Jughead for help in the beginning and ended up dead in the woods in his underwear with runic carvings in his back. Ethel leads them to Dilton’s secret bunker where they played G & G. Here they discover the game, find a missing boy scout that looks like a zombie, and use the dirty bunk to have sex in. Despite all this freakiness, they dive deep. Jughead plays the game with Ethel (Betty will never be worthy per Ethel) and presumably marks himself as a target for the King. Who is a stick like crow creature that I think is supposed to resemble a gargoyle? Betty decides to pursue joining the Farm support group started by the cult leader’s daughter Evelyn.
Oh, and before I forget this main detail. The parents of all the main Riverdale characters had a meeting in regards to the game resurfacing. Apparently, they played the game and swore to each other they would never speak of it again. So how did the game resurface? I’m sure we will find out but their cause isn’t helped when Ethel makes a shit ton of copies and puts them in every single locker at school.
Okay, Evelyn is mainly getting her own section because I’m starting to worry she’s the embodiment of the story, ‘The Girl With the Green Ribbon Around Her Neck.’ What is with that scarf around her neck?! Will she die if it’s taken off?! SOMEONE TELL ME!!
I’ll do a follow-up WTF is going on in Riverdale post soon!
Feature Image via Riverdale/ The CW